Today is the first day......

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. How many times have you heard this bullshit ? I try so hard to be a positive person, no really I do. But as many of you know , I am cynical as hell. I don't know , maybe I was born under a bad sign. My zodiac sign is Sagittarius which means I am a flake. I am pretty much true to my astrological star sign with a few exceptions. I read my horoscope occasionally, but I don't make a big deal out of it. I did read this one astrology book that I thought was pretty good. It helped me get through yet another breakup. How To Spot A Bastard By His Star Sign. After reading this insightful self help guide,I realized something. That I was that bastard or to put it simply, "I am the girl ,your mother warned you about."
I once heard someone say, That if you look around and don't know at least one crazy person,than you are the crazy person. Granted, I just assume that everyone is crazy and deranged anyway, so when the proof actually rears it's ugly little head ,your not at all surprised. I come from a family of nutballs so it truly is genetic.
Jason my ASSHOLE ex husband had been telling people for years that I was (am) deranged ,but who cares what he has to say.(Your Honor,I know that the gun was loaded, but I was just trying to get his attention;Some people just can't take a joke.) Let's just say,that I know what the inside of the MD House of Corrections looks like. Speaking of jail, when I was a little girl I thought that everyone went to Jessup & Hagerstown to visit their relatives on Sundays. I come from a family of Hellions and we are no stranger to Johnny Law and how he deals with folks that don't respect the law..
Everyone has a favorite relative, mine is Uncle Chili Pepper. My grandmother did not name any of her children Chili nor was her last name Pepper. Having Chili as an Uncle has been a blessing as well as a curse. If your in a bind Chili is the person you want to come to your rescue. He's that shoot first,take no prisoners type of guy.
The curse is that you never know who Chili screwed over, and I understand it is quite a few people. Once I was having problems with this guy that owed me money. I sent Chili to talk to him. I promised Chili a cut of the proceeds if he got my money(A little incentive never hurts).
Chili was unable to recover my money(or so I was told). But strange enough,no one has seen that guy since. Alls well that ends well, I guess.

It's Raining Again

As with every morning, as you know I have to coax myself out of the bed. And drop Ms. Daisy off at the metro station. Some things don't change. Marnie reminded me to check the basement for water before I left for work. This morning it was raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock. And for some strange reason when it rains heavily like this we some times have a problem with flooding in our basement. Ain't that a bitch.I pray for sunny days, just so I don't have the headache & backache of mopping a wet basement. So when I got back home, what did I find? a small puddle on the basement floor.( This is where I begin to do the happy dance) I guess I can't go to work today. I have to call in. And as luck would have it. The gatekeeper to hell is off again today as well. Suezilla: the gatekeeper to hell and my immediate stupidvisor (this week) is in a contract dispute with the powers that be. She's been out "sick" for the the last couple of days. I don't know, could it be that Suezilla just got passed over for a promotion,by someone that was hired from outside the company. As much as I hate my job, I think I might stick around to see how this power struggle plays out. You see, Suezilla's office is directly behind across from my cubicle.I can literally feel her eyes burning at the back of my head. But not today. Today, I got to stay in bed like a big ole moo cow. Just in case you were wondering, I got absolutely nothing accomplished today. Oh, I did throw a couple of towels on the basement floor, to soak up the water,then it was back to bed for me.
But I did get up in time to cook dinner and watch Oprah. Oprah was interviewing Robin Givens about her "breaking her silence" about her marriage to Mike Tyson. I have to admit that after watching the interview, I've come away with new respect for her. "What doesn't kill us,makes us stronger." Over the years I have heard this
many times in regards to my own life. My failed marriage, the death of my daughter, my stint in rehab etc.....
Kiddies, Hollywood ain't got nothing on me. Now, I don't want to depress y'all, but at times we may talk about "REAL" issues. This is my continuing drama. But I do promise that I won't resurrect the dead, as with most soap operas.
Speaking of psycho ex-husbands, did I mention that mine was an asshole? This asshole is currently shacking up with his Bitchwhore Girlfriend (That he will NEVER marry) and their tribe of children, in their really nice house somewhere in Montgomery County. While I'm here with Ms. Daisy and a damp leaky basement. Now I know what your thinking. "Laila, God don't like ugly." Ok, point taken. All I have to say is that "What goes around comes around." And when it does, I'm gonna be there with the popcorn.
I met Justin Martinez my freshman year of college. He had just finished beauty school and was working as a shampoo boy at Foxy Lady's. The first time I saw him,I was in love. He was tall, light-skinned with curly hair and green eyes. And when he washed your hair, Girl, it was like a sexual experience. Everybody wanted to be washed by Justin. His fingers were magic. I had gone to Foxy's in the past,because my cousin Nay-Nay used to do hair there. But this time I had gotten an appointment with my friend's cousin Treva, who had just started there and was trying to build up her clientele. Justin was fine,with a capital F-I-N-E. And I wanted a piece of that.
So what 's a girl to do? Well inquire with his coworkers..ie Treva. First I had to find out was he seeing anyone ?
And as luck would have it, he wasn't. In fact, I can remember the conversation like it was yesterday. Treva said that "Justin has not had good luck with girls lately, what he needs is a really nice girl." Was that an open invitation or what? I'm a nice girl. He and I usually have nice conversations in the salon while he's washing my hair. I think I should go for it. Wouldn't you think? So I decided to discuss this with Stacie (Treva's cousin). Stacie's exact words were " I thought that Justin was gay." Girl,he's not gay, he's just sensitive. HELLOO, can you say denial ?
Just in case you were wondering, YES, Justin is very gay. But when we were dating. We were still very young, he was definitely very confused. Ok, and I was very much in denial. I even used the excuse that the fact that he never touched me ,eventhough were were once handcuffed together for a weekend.He was being a gentleman.
We would unlock ourselves to go to the bathroom. We used to go down to the block and buy gay porn and hit the gay stripclubs so "I" could see the guys dance. And then we would go next door to the regular strip clubs, so he could see the women dance. I think the reality hit me when, we were in a gay strip club one night, and I caught him making out with one of the strippers. You want to talk about a scene. I showed my ass in there. Ok, who knew that I was a fruit fly? It seems that everyone except me. Until this day, everyone, my family included refers to Justin as "my sister Justin". Well Justin & I are still friends (at least this week, you know how queens are). We still hang out. He's not only my drinking buddy, he's also my brother-in-law. That's right Kiddies, my asshole ex-husband is Jason Martinez, Justin's brother. Drama, I tell you. And you thought that this would be about my day off. Well I gotta go. I've tivo'd Law & Order, so Marnie and I are going to watch it before we go to bed. Catch you later.
Laila

My Return to Hell

Well It's Monday again.How the hell does the weekend go so damn fast? One minute it is 5pm Friday afternoon and I'm flying down the expressway,singing & dancing in my car,fullof glee. That's right I used the word Glee! Get over it. And now it's Monday AGAIN ! It is truly my return to hell. As with every Monday, I have to debate on whether I'm actually going to get out of bed.I have to coax myself from the bed,to the bathroom...etc.to the car. The hardest thing is to make it to the car.Once I have made it that far,I am almost guaranteed arrival at the pit of despair.Ofcourse barring no horrible accidents on the expressway.Which I should be so lucky. I believe that my cubicle is my penance for having had a good time in some past life or last weekend. Friday ,like almost everyday of the week, I pick up Marnie at the metro station nearest to our house.Godforbid that lazy heifer should drive any farther than the neighborhood liquor store.Living with Marnie is sometimes like a scene out of Driving Miss Daisy.
The last time I left the car with her (we share my car) was last month when I went to New York for the weekend.
She picked me up from the metro station,because she refused to drive downtown to the greyhound station. This actually was a blessing. She showed up drunk, I didn't notice when I first got into the car, but on the 5 minute drive home,she was bobbing and weaving all over the damn road. So now Miss Daisy is not allowed to drive any further than a two mile radius..ie the liquor store. Friday night was quiet, after stopping at the liquor store,Marnie and I sat home drinking beer and watching a Law & Order marathon.
Saturday Night I went hung out with some old friends,from the days when I bartended.
About 10 years ago, I took a job as a bartender at a very popular catering hall ( You know the one). One of the things I have found to be interesting is how well I have assimilated. And this night was no different. I was again the only black person in the room. Until David showed up 3 hours later,with his new blonde trophy girlfriend.
But as usual, everyone loved me, or so it appeared. Hell when I'm drinking. I love everyone. By the end of the evening ; we had put a healthy dent in the bar's liquor inventory. But now I had to contend with Hans the Horny Dutchman. Who looked like he wanted to do me right there at the table in front of his girlfriend Lisa. Or Tony who couldn't keep his hand off of my leg. His wife Nina sat at another table, that heifer has always been anti-social. Actually she said more to me on this night than she has in the almost 10 years that I have known her. Everyone said that it was because she was drinking. Aha !. So it is alcohol that gives her a personality. We shall see, she said that she is going to New York this year with us for the bartenders convention. We look at the time it is almost Tuesday. One more day closer to Friday. Yeah!!!

I Did It, I Did It

Welcome Aboard,
Thanks for dropping in is the first post on my very own blog. I really don't know where to begin. First of all I must say a big Thank you to my dealing Red. I've been rather addicted to her blog REDSAID. So I figured that if she could do this than so can I. I am inviting you into the madness that is my so called life.Maybe one day I'll even write a book about it. And be apart of Oprah's book club.Please forgive me now. I am not a writer.
But it sounds good in theory. Most of what you will be reading and commenting on are random rantings of a mad woman. Those of you that know me or think you do;may be asked to suspend your belief in reality. You see reality used to be a friend of mine,and I have since kicked him to the curb. Oh but like a bad penny he does keep showing up. This continuing drama is the truth as I know it. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

Now Ladies & Gentleman, this is the part of the program where we get to know our hostess.

Who:Laila Ono (That's my stage name. Why Laila Ono ? If I were an international spy,that would be a cool name. Layla by Eric Clapton is one of the greatest songs ever. The way he screams "Layla you got me on my knees,Layla begging darling please,Layla. Hello, is that control or what ? Also I happen to know girls named Brandy & Roxanne, and they have told me that people constantly break into song and sing their names. I think it's cool ,but It does eventually get old. Except when Clapton sings it. Ono because I like it . Enough said.

Where: Baltimore MD, USA. Native Balitmoron born & bred.

Ethnicity: Black. I prefer it over African American. Which I kind pretentious. Except when I'm trying to be proper.

Religion: I have none. Since Catholic Priests started acting like they were above the law.

Martial Status: Divorced. I am no longer committed to the institution of marriage.My ex is a big ASSHOLE !!! And you will hear all about him.

Living arrangement: I live with my twiced divorced sister Marnie. And our dog Coco.
Can say Patty & Selma.? Instead of McGuyver it's Law & Order around here.

Occupation. By day I am an Account Rep for an insurance company. I Fucking Hate this job.
But part time I am a Bookstore Diva for the Megabook at the Inner Harbor. Can you guess which one?

Hobbies: I am a pot head( a big smile has come across my face. It is bittersweet because It is currently 4:20 pm as I write this, but I have taken a hiatus from the smoke. Because I am currently looking for a new job. And I need to be able to pass a drug test if needed. Oh But One day very soon, I will return to celebrating the 420. Mark my words.

Other Notables: I am a fat girl. With that being said. You will hear me whine about my new diet or not. Depending on if I start my diet tomorrow as planned. I always like to start a new diet on Sunday. Yes, Yes I know what your thinking,it's not suppose to be a diet ,but a lifestyle change. Whatever. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Well I think that good for now. I don't want to overwhelm you on our first meeting. I can't wait to hear from you.
Thanks for stopping by.

Laila