I could not stop for death- Part 1

About 10 years ago, when Big Daddy died (my maternal grandfather),I was given some words of wisdom from one of his girlfriends that I will never forget." There will be two occasions in your life where you will make enemies. When you get married and when you die.Because everybody wants to run the show." And you know how right she was.

Last week Mama Dear(my maternal grandmother), called to tell us that Uncle Buddy died. Buddy was her eldest child,and her only son. MamaDear and Buddy had a very strange and strained
relationship,in fact most people outside of our family didn't know that Buddy even existed. MamaDear had received a call on Tuesday night from Sheila; Buddy's longtime girlfriend. I was told that they had been together for 12 years, but no one in the family had ever met her. Okay's that not actually true. Teddy; Buddy's oldest son used to live with them for a while,but Buddy put him out. Hell if I know why? But Teddy, is a simple-ass, so God only knows. It seems that Buddy had died sometime on Saturday,but we were just getting word on Tuesday night. And to add insult to injury, Sheila was having Buddy cremated instead of a traditional funeral. Well, Thank God Buddy is already dead,
because all hell is about to break loose.

I've said before how strange my family is. We make it a point of only
getting together for the occasion wedding or funeral.And family reunions are totally out of the question. We tried years ago, but it wasn't pretty.It just doesn't seem to work out for us. And we are actually fine with it.
Some family events have been known to end with the police being called and folks with outstanding warrants being escorted off by Baltimore's finest.
Mama Dear or Aunt Pearl to all who know and love her, is the matriarch of our dysfunctional tribe. She's 89 years old, smokes two packs of Camels a day, curses like a long shoreman and has been known to keep a flask full of Crown Royal somewhere in the bottom of her purse. Oh and she's a devout Catholic;need say more? Mama Dear has buried two husbands,her first was Buddy's father,whom was never talked about,we didn't even know his name until we say it in Buddy's obituary. Mama Dear calls me & Marnie EVERYDAY. Usually just to say that she's not dead yet. It is the opinion of our tribe that she will out live all of us.

Next in the group is Claudia; Claudia is Mama Dear's eldest daughter. She has two lovely daughters, Marnie & Laila. Claudia was able to do something that few in our family has manage accomplish with some degree of success. That is getting the hell out of Baltimore. Claudia used to be a private duty nurse for this sweet little old lady Miss Anne. Claudia had become so attached to Miss Anne that when she wanted to move to Arizona for health reasons, Miss Anne took Claudia with her. When Miss Anne died two years ago,she left everything to Claudia. Claudia is now retired and living in Las Vegas. She works one day a week at one of the big hotels so that when she travels she can get the employee rate. She rarely comes back to visit. Unless she has to.

Then there's Isabella, but everyone just calls her Ella. Ella is the crazy
aunt; she is a the typical middle child or as some would call her our resident Drama Queen. Ella entered a convent the day after she graduated highshcool. Ella was always "the fragile one". So my grandparents thought that the convent would be the best place for her. Ella became Sr.Catherine Marie, she was a great school teacher, She directed the choir, organized bake sales. Etc. In my opinion, she was bucking for sainthood. But Ella really wasn't cut out for convent life if you know what I mean. She had one little flaw, she loved the communion wine,a little to much if I might add. She said that it made her feel closer to God. And then there was that seminary student that she was secretly dating. And you what happened next. One nun plus communion wine,plus a seminary student equals a conception,that not so immaculate. When Sr. Catherine Marie got pregnant,she was asked to leave the the convent. Ella became one of those tree hugging hippies and now runs one an outreach program that targets single mothers and she's also a practicing Rastafari . Who knew?

And last but not least is Jessica. Jessica is probably the only normal one in the whole family. Jessica is MamaDear's pride and joy. I mean butter can't melt in Aunt Jess' mouth as far as MamaDear is concerned. Aunt Jess went to college,graduated at the top of her class, became a school teacher,married her college sweetheart ,has a wonderful family,beautiful home,Blah,Blah,Blah... You get my point. I personally think that they have dead bodies buried in their back yard. They are just too fucking wholesome as far as I'm concerned The truth will come out about them later. So know you've officially met the relatives. Let the festivities begin.....

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