I could not stop for death-Part 2
I have decided that when I die,that I want my funeral to be a sheer spectacle.
I've made certain provisions in my will that I want carried out. Including a video montage ending with me & the Grim Reaper walking hand & hand down the yellow brick road singing "My Way"(The Sinatra version) . A reception with an open bar and a live band. My friends have to fight over who will try to ride the casket out of the church. Dancing girls ,midget wrestling, a disco ball and a 21 shot toast with everyone singing "Sweet Home Alabama", all in my honor.
To whoever is actually reading this, you have your work cut out for you. But know this,it will be one hell of a party.
Weddings and funerals are the only occasions when my family feels obligated to come together. Just to recap, Uncle Buddy is dead. MamaDear is pissed off with Sheila because she wants to have Buddy cremated. Not to mention that Mama Dear had a list of demands that she wanted met, such as moving the funeral to Saturday so that All of the family could pay their respects.(Actually the Saturday thing was my idea,God forbid I should tell Suezilla that I need a day off. Who knew that it would cause so much controversy). Now I don't know what words passed between MamaDear and Sheila,but I heard that Sheila told MamaDear that she wasn't going to pay for the funeral. Drama, I tell you. So ofcourse this upsets MamaDear and Marnie enough to call Claudia and request for her to come home ASAP. By the way ,Claudia was not amused. As usual,Ella and I were left out of the loop.And Jessica was off trying to be the peace maker.Ella and I were taking bets on who would make Jessica cry first. We call her Crying Jessie, because she is so overly dramatic about everything.
I really don't understand how her husband puts up with her in general.
Claudia called me two days before the funeral to find out what was really going on. She understands how our family has a flare for the dramatic,and that MamaDear has to have her way with everything. Claudia explained that she had spoken to Uncle Buddy a few weeks before he died . Uncle Buddy knew that he was dying and that he didn't trust either Sheila or MamaDear to carry out his wishes. Buddy had named Claudia the executor of his estate when he realized how far his illness had progressed. Buddy also knew that Sheila and MamaDear both had separate insurance polices on him. Claudia had figured that they both would try to take the cheap route. But by the time Claudia had arrived at BWI, everything was taken care of. I still don't know how she did it.
As luck would have it,I had to drive Marnie and Claudia to the funeral. I never get a break. Marnie and Claudia started arguing almost immediately. Claudia made it a point of calling Marnie a kiss-ass,because she likes to cater to MamaDear's ego. Under any other circumstances Marnie would have retorted with some kind of rude comment. Marnie always has to have the last word. But not in this case. Claudia was in rare form today. I think she was waiting for Marnie to say something,so she could slap the taste out of her mouth. Since Marnie's ego was bruised, I guess she figured she would pick on me. Marnie found fault with everything from my clothes,to my hair,to my driving ability. But Claudia was having no of that. Claudia told Marnie if she uttered another word,that she would put her out of the car and make her walk the rest of the way. If Claudia wasn't my mom, I would adopt her.
Once we arrived at the funeral home, we ran into Ella and Antoinette ;they were both outside having a much needed cigarette break. Marnie quickly made her way inside, to go check on Mama Dear. Claudia's exact words were "Buddy ain't going anywhere, I'm gonna have me a smoke before I have to deal with these motherfuckers. " By the time we made it inside,it was practically standing room only. Most of the attendees were Mamadear's church members;most of whom had never met Buddy. Mamadear had appointed Jessica to be the official greeter. All she had to stand was stand at the door and hand out the obituary programs. And later during the funeral, Jessica would read the obituary.
I've made certain provisions in my will that I want carried out. Including a video montage ending with me & the Grim Reaper walking hand & hand down the yellow brick road singing "My Way"(The Sinatra version) . A reception with an open bar and a live band. My friends have to fight over who will try to ride the casket out of the church. Dancing girls ,midget wrestling, a disco ball and a 21 shot toast with everyone singing "Sweet Home Alabama", all in my honor.
To whoever is actually reading this, you have your work cut out for you. But know this,it will be one hell of a party.
Weddings and funerals are the only occasions when my family feels obligated to come together. Just to recap, Uncle Buddy is dead. MamaDear is pissed off with Sheila because she wants to have Buddy cremated. Not to mention that Mama Dear had a list of demands that she wanted met, such as moving the funeral to Saturday so that All of the family could pay their respects.(Actually the Saturday thing was my idea,God forbid I should tell Suezilla that I need a day off. Who knew that it would cause so much controversy). Now I don't know what words passed between MamaDear and Sheila,but I heard that Sheila told MamaDear that she wasn't going to pay for the funeral. Drama, I tell you. So ofcourse this upsets MamaDear and Marnie enough to call Claudia and request for her to come home ASAP. By the way ,Claudia was not amused. As usual,Ella and I were left out of the loop.And Jessica was off trying to be the peace maker.Ella and I were taking bets on who would make Jessica cry first. We call her Crying Jessie, because she is so overly dramatic about everything.
I really don't understand how her husband puts up with her in general.
Claudia called me two days before the funeral to find out what was really going on. She understands how our family has a flare for the dramatic,and that MamaDear has to have her way with everything. Claudia explained that she had spoken to Uncle Buddy a few weeks before he died . Uncle Buddy knew that he was dying and that he didn't trust either Sheila or MamaDear to carry out his wishes. Buddy had named Claudia the executor of his estate when he realized how far his illness had progressed. Buddy also knew that Sheila and MamaDear both had separate insurance polices on him. Claudia had figured that they both would try to take the cheap route. But by the time Claudia had arrived at BWI, everything was taken care of. I still don't know how she did it.
As luck would have it,I had to drive Marnie and Claudia to the funeral. I never get a break. Marnie and Claudia started arguing almost immediately. Claudia made it a point of calling Marnie a kiss-ass,because she likes to cater to MamaDear's ego. Under any other circumstances Marnie would have retorted with some kind of rude comment. Marnie always has to have the last word. But not in this case. Claudia was in rare form today. I think she was waiting for Marnie to say something,so she could slap the taste out of her mouth. Since Marnie's ego was bruised, I guess she figured she would pick on me. Marnie found fault with everything from my clothes,to my hair,to my driving ability. But Claudia was having no of that. Claudia told Marnie if she uttered another word,that she would put her out of the car and make her walk the rest of the way. If Claudia wasn't my mom, I would adopt her.
Once we arrived at the funeral home, we ran into Ella and Antoinette ;they were both outside having a much needed cigarette break. Marnie quickly made her way inside, to go check on Mama Dear. Claudia's exact words were "Buddy ain't going anywhere, I'm gonna have me a smoke before I have to deal with these motherfuckers. " By the time we made it inside,it was practically standing room only. Most of the attendees were Mamadear's church members;most of whom had never met Buddy. Mamadear had appointed Jessica to be the official greeter. All she had to stand was stand at the door and hand out the obituary programs. And later during the funeral, Jessica would read the obituary.
posted by lailaono @ 5/17/2005 12:35:00 AM
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