Laila: A Life in Progress

Satan has just left the building....

2007-04-12T02:12:00.000-04:00

It seems that no matter where you work,there is always that one miserable old bitch. You know the one that I'm talking about. She's the reason you've used up all of your sick leave before April fools day. I think we'll call her Brandy,and No she ain't a fine girl. First of all, I would like to give all honor and glory to the baby Jesus for adding this little special something to my Easter basket. Now back to the story...
Since I happened to work every blessed holiday at the mega bookstore. Yes, I am still there, Thank you very much. I requested to be off this Easter. I was awakened by the unwelcomed sound of a phone ringing at the ungodly hour of 1 pm. I thought that this had better be damned good,to interrupt my self induced coma. Little did I know that I was about to get the best news I have yet to get all year. It was Gigi calling to see what part did I play in Brandy quitting the night before. Great day in the morning, my prayers have been answered.Wait a minute,is this some kind of cruel belated April Fools joke? It has to be.
So as my feeble little mind tries to process the information,all I could do was giggle. And giggle, and giggle some more. Alright let's not get our hopes up so early in the morning. After all I did work with the old cow the night before and she gave no clue that she was about to just quit after almost 20 years with the company. I needed proof. But ofcourse with everything in that damned place, being such a big secret (it's books & coffee for godsakes). I was told by the MOD that we shouldn't gossip. HELLO... Have you met me? Besides,it's only gossip if it's not true. But she confirmed it. "Brandy resigned last night at the end of her shift and that she will no longer be working for the company." Satan has officially left the building. Thank you Baby Jesus for adding this to my Easter basket.
So what's a girl to do ? Well, if you were me, you would email and text every coworker past and present to share the good news. So your asking what happened? It seems that the miserable old cow,was on the bad side of almost everyone in the company. And they were just waiting for something to nail her on, w/o the threat of a lawsuit on her part. Can you believe that she fucking left the front door of the store unlocked overnight during a holiday weekend. And that's what did it. She resigned before they could fire her. And the crowd goes wild. I don't wish any ill on her,(you know the whole karma thing) but it was time for her to move on. Ding Dong the witch the is dead... And just think, I'm not going to get the chance to drown her in the harbor. Oh well.

Laila

Writers Block :One year later

2007-04-06T02:07:00.000-04:00

Can you believe that I haven't updated this blog in over a year. Ofcourse I had not realized it until one of the two people that has ever read the damn thing has bought it to my attention. And just to let my peeps know I'm still standing I will cave into peer pressure and write again. I warn you that it is all your fault. And you know who you are. So just to let you know that I am offically back from the cliffs of insanity.

Writer's block

2006-04-04T07:34:00.000-04:00

It's happened again. Writers block. Ain't that a bitch.

Don't date this guy

2006-03-24T01:49:00.000-05:00

WARNING:
I happen to be in man hating mode today,just to let you know.

I have this very bad habit. (1) Open mouth.(2) Insert foot. It's been a nasty little problem of mine since I can remember. For some reason, I believe that it is my duty,to give my opinion/advice on every subject known to man. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart(.ie one's love life). If I had a dollar for everytime I tried playing Dr. Phil; I would have already earned his salary. And with that being said,I understand that I have earned a reputation of being a gossip.
What 's a little gossip amongst friends? If I don't keep everyone informed, them how will they know what's going on? Exactly. You know what I mean.
I have a very low opinion of greedy men. Men who feel that one woman isn't enough for them. Cheaters. Yes, I have been cheated on; Who hasn't ? I have even been the "other woman". And no I'm not proud of it. Does that make it right or even less painless? Ofcourse not. With all of the lying ,cheating bastards out there, I figured that I should start a website to inform other women out there of these assholes. But ofcourse, someone has beat me to the punch. BRAVO. Now I can spend my time updating this blog.(hehehe)
No comments from the peanut gallery.
This website is called www.dontdatehimgirl.com . It allows women to put pictures of their cheating ex's and descriptions of their deeds on-line. So that any woman who comes across these so called men won't waste their time.
I've already checked on the list from Maryland, I haven't come across any names that look familiar yet. But I will be adding a few of my own.

Laila

Ballad of Dylan and Me

2006-03-08T05:57:00.000-05:00

It was suppose to be just another piece of ass. But whenever you decide to dip your pen in the company ink, problems can occur.My intention was to just tap that ass and let that be the end of the story. Well we all know that hell is paved with good intentions.
When I first met Dylan, I found him to be very stand-offish, actually more like dim-witted. I think that he was intimidated by me. I can't blame him. I have been known to have that effect on people.
I later found out that Dylan had just gotten out of rehab for his "little cocaine problem." Now that he was "better ", Dylan was also trying to catch up on all the ass that he had missed out on while in rehab. Not the mention trying to juggle his relationship with his on-again-off- again skank girlfriend Kimmie. Can you say MAN-WHORE ? One day Dylan will be fat and bald just like his father. Unless his penis falls off first. I can't wait. No, I'm not bitter. Really I'm not.
I really miss working at the Sports Bar, it was so much fun. We were like this really crazy drunk loud stoned incestuous family (oh, yes there was lots of sex ). We partied together all the time . Whether it was at the bar, at someone's house or even in bar's the parking lot. We drank a lots of alcohol and smoked lots of weed together. In fact, it was during this time that I became a full-fledged pothead. I am proud to say that I worship at the altar of MaryJane. And it was MaryJane that introduced me to Dylan.
Daria, one of the bartenders invited us back to her apartment to smoke some weed. One of her regular customer's liked tipping her in cannabis every now and then. I love white people, just for shit like that. Believe you me, I haven't come across not one black person ,who is going to invite you over to their house to smoke THEIR weed. Especially without bringing something to the table. Okay maybe you can be a scavenger smoker with your bestfriend.
I got a chance to get to know both Dylan and Daria that night. We sat up talking and smoking for hours. I got caught up on all of the latest gossip. Was I the only person in the building that didn't have a cocaine problem ? I think we finally left Daria's place around 5 am. Of course we had to stay for the official 4:20 smoke. From then on Dylan was much nicer to me. He was a little more talkative at work, all of a sudden he was cool Dylan. One night, after my shift had ended, I was sitting at the bar when Dylan and Kimmie came in and sat right down next to me. Dylan bought me a drink and we chit-chatted, while Kimmie played the social butterfly. Later that evening ,while in the ladies room, Kimmie made it a point of telling that she thought that I was an intelligent woman, too smart to work in a place like this.
Kimmie was currently looking at other options,because she didn't want to be a waitress for the rest of her life. I thanked Kimmie for her advice and I let her know that I appreciated that she was concerned about my well being.
Was this her way of saying " stay away from my man ?"

I remember later,(much later) relaying this same story to Dylan while we were in bed one night.

Yes there is more to the story......

Laila

Happy New Year

2006-03-07T03:23:00.000-05:00

Hello Sweetie Dahlings,
So much had happened since the last time I posted. My life has been busy. I'm working on my 2006 comeback. And I'm trying to finish up the story of Dylan & Laila. Part of the problem is remembering everything. Actually reliving every thing. I didn't realized how difficult it was going to be. Everytime I start writing, I remember the good, the bad ,and the ugly of our relationship.
Can you believe,that it was easier to write about my failed marriage. I also haven't been able to write about Joy. But all in due time. If I can just finish Dylan's story without calling him and making a complete ass of myself,
all will be good. Thanks for your patience.

Laila

In the kitchen with the chef

2005-12-10T13:14:00.000-05:00

Today I turned 35. I have to admit that I'm sort of kinda depressed about it. On one hand I feel that I haven't accomplished anything. But on the other hand,
I feel that this my year. I think it's time for me to launch a comeback .
Of course,everyone has heard of Elvis' 68 comeback special. Why not Laila's 2006 comeback? I've had an epiphany. Yes another one. It happened last week while I was eating a taco. And I wondered :Who came up with the idea for the taco ? Then I started to wonder about food in general. Remember, I'm a fat girl everything comes back to food.
So here it is, I've decided that I will write a cookbook based on local restaurants in my fair city. It will be great. Can you imagine, I would travel to local restaurants and sample their cuisine.Yummy. Then I would showcase the restaurant in the book including one of the chef's favorite recipes.
Then when the cookbook becomes a bestseller, I would parlay that into a cooking show with the same concept. It would be called In the kitchen with the chef.
Mo Money, Mo Money, Mo Money. Move over Martha . Move over Rachel Ray. Laila Ono is on her way. Hey that rhymes.

I'm ready for success. Eventually, I'm aiming for total world domination.
That's right I'm going after the throne. I'm going to have to do battle with the Queen. Oprah . But that's later.

Laila

Fell in love with a boy

2005-12-02T23:07:00.000-05:00

"Fell in love with a boy. I fell in love once and almost completely. He's in love with the world. And sometimes these feelings can be so misleading." Lyrics by
Joss Stone.

Just in case you have not had the misfortune of hearing the tale of Dylan & Laila, your in luck. I'm about to tell it again (hopefully for the last time.) I'll actually start from the beginning, I think it goes something like this...

Once upon a time,there was a beautiful young woman named Laila. Whom had just kicked her lying, cheating, asshole of a husband out on his ass.(You go girl) . Laila decided that she needed a change of pace. Laila was getting bored with being on hiatus, living off of her evil son of a bitch ex-husband's money. Which she deserved for putting up with is psycho ass so long. She decided that it was time to get back into the swing of things and get a job.

So one day, Laila and her then best girlfriend Caren had lunch at The Sports Bar. As Laila enjoyed her wonderful cream of crab soup. She looked around and noticed that this place got a good crowd and she could see that there was lots of money to be made by working here. This place could only benefit from her charm and dazzling personality. So Laila introduced herself to the manager,who found her to be Fabulous and the rest was history.
Being a Diva is hard work;Please don't let anyone tell you anything different.Believe it or not, everyone didn't take to Laila right away, we refer to those people as Haters" don't hate congratulate". One in particular was Kimmie. On the surface Kimmie seemed to have it going on. She was a big tittied bleach blonde piece of trailer trash, with a terrible alcohol and cocaine problem. Some might refer to her as common with a K. White She-Devil as she was affectionately known by the brothers that worked in the kitchen of the Sports Bar. Kimmie was also as dumb as a wet bag of sand.
Kimmie was the quintessential bar-whore,she had basically slept with most of the staff and customers of The Sports Bar;guys & girls alike. Rumor had it, Kimmie was one big walking STD.
Believe it or not,which I don't. When Kimmie started working at the Sports Bar right out of highschool,she was as pure as the driven snow.But now at 21,Kimmie was used up as a dried up old hooker.

One Friday night, Laila happened to walk into the employee locker room, where Kimmie was drunk and crying after having had a fight with her boyfriend. Feeling sorry for the little slut , Laila listened to her story of how her lying, self centered boyfriend treated her like shit. Having just kicked her own lying self centered sack of shit husband to the curb,Laila actually felt sorry for Kimmie.While they were talking , Megan came in to tell Kimmie her boyfriend didn't want her to waiting around for him to get off work, and that she should just go home. Concerned for Kimmie's safety, Laila offered to take Kimmie home. God forbid the heifer should drive her car into a tree, Laila wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. So against her better judgment, Laila got up to go confront Kimmie's horrible so called boyfriend. When Laila asked Megan to point out Kimmie's boyfriend,so she could have a talk with him,she pointed out the barback Dylan.

Dylan was on his way out the backdoor of the bar,he was about to go change the beer keg for the main bar. Laila goes over to tell him about his very upset drunk (skank) girlfriend. Dylan is trying to figure out why this Fabulous Diva ,should care about his (skank) girlfriend. Laila goes away bewildered about these crazy white people and their strange customs.Can't actually remember how the lush got home that night. So later while talking to Megan,over a cocktail,the subject of (skank) Kimmie and her dimwitted boyfriend Dylan came up. It seems that this wacko couple's relationship is the stuff that makes for bad reality television.
Can you say BobbyBrown and Whitney Houston? But it seems that the glue that keeps these two together is the size of Dylan's PENIS.

My. My. My.Laila Could only imagine. All of a sudden Laila could only think of one thing. Exactly. Her mission was clear. And there you have it, that 's how it all began.
The quest for good sex will always be my weakness.Stay tuned there is definelty more to come.

Laila

It's All her Fault......Part Deux

2005-11-24T12:29:00.000-05:00

Time away from my barstool.......

My darling Red has tagged me to do this thing....
Which keeps away from by beloved barstool.
So instead I'll consult another muse "Orange Kush". I stopped by my cousin Troy's house to pick up a 1/4 oz of the of this muse.
Nice... So, I 'm feeling really nice right about now. I whatever happens next is anybody's guess.

Ten Years Ago:

I had an epiphany, I wanted to save the world. I decided that I didn't want to return to the IRS after my maternity leave was over. Accounting was not a really a noble profession. I wanted to leave my mark on the world. Help change society. I wanted to be a doctor. So I went back to college to study biology/pre-med.Of course Jason was pissed off. He had to pay for me to go back to college. Which was only fair since I put him through grad school. The ironic thing is that in undergrad I had taken the minimum requirements of math & science to get my degree. Not only was a full-time college student. I was a wife . I had finally had a successful pregnancy and a happy healthy baby Joy. And a bartender at the big catering house, Westwinds. No ofcourse I didn't sleep. I can sleep when I'm dead.

Five Years Ago

Jason and I were in the middle of a very ugly divorce.Our marriage basically ended when Joy was diagnosed with leukemia .By the time she lost her battle with the disease, Jason and I weren't even on speaking terms. I spent the next year at home in bed. Marnie moved in with me, to help take care of things ,because the family was worried about me.I decided to take a job waitressing at a Sports Bar on the other side of the county. It's cool for now until I figure out what I want to do with my life. And it's near the gym I had just joined. The money is really good. And there are some really cute guys I work with. There's one in particular that I like, his name is Dylan.

One Year Ago

I took a job in hell. I am AR rep for medical billing company. And my part time job is BookStoreDiva at the Mega Bookstore,Downtown Location. I hate all people equally. My Boss,Suezilla The Gate keeper to hell is a bitch. I wish death on her everyday of my life. And at the Mega Bookstore,there is a new Store Manager. We call her the Stewardess,because she reminds you of a flight attendant on prozac. I tell you what ever she's on I want some of that shit. And just to let you know; I hate doctors, their patients and their insurance companies. What the hell was I thinking 10 years ago.

5 Yummy Things

1) The love of my life;my doggie CoCo.

2) Breakfast at the Cracker Barrel.

3)Godiva hot chocolate with a shot of Godiva Liquor.

4)Eggplant Parmesan from Sabatino's.

5) Sunsets in Jamaica.

5 Songs I know by heart.

1) Here we go (Minnie Ripperton) .

2) Human Nature (Madonna) "And I'm not sorry, (I'm not sorry) it's human nature(it's human nature) And I'm not sorry,I'm not your bitch don't blame your shit on me!!!" Madonna is such a Bad-ass.

3) Waterloo (Abba). I loved the movie Muriel's Wedding.

4) My First, My Last ,My Everything (Barry White) My wedding song; for my next husband.

5)Friends in low places (Garth Brooks) Because sometimes I am the friend in low places.

5 Things I'd do with a LOT of Money

1) Buy a Summer home in Amsterdam.

2) Start a sanctuary for homeless dogs.

3) Buy my own private island, so that all of my friends could party whenever they want to.

4) Take care of my friends & relatives( the ones that I like).

5) Travel all over the world.

5 Things I Will NEVER Wear.

1) A Thong- I tried it once but it got lost under my belly.

2)A Bikini- If I won't wear a thong, I damn sure ain't trying to put my fat ass in one of those things.

3)A tube top or halter- I have matronly upper arms. And woman like myself should never leave the house without a bra. Case closed.

4)A Cat suit,unless my head can be transplanted onto Halle Berry's body.

5) Any thing that doesn't look good on my body.

5 TV shows That I LOVE.

1)Absolutely Fabulous. Sweetie Dahling; I am Patsy.

2)Taxi. Favorite episode. What does the yellow light mean ? Slow down. What* does* the* yellow*light mean? SLOW DOWN .What**** Does **** The**** Yellow****Light**** Mean?

3)Coupling.

4)Black Adder.

5)The Muppet Show. It's not easy being green.

5 Things I enjoy doing

1) Absolutely Nothing. I like being a couch potato.

2)Music. Listening, playing,enjoying etc...

3) Being with my friends.

4)Happy Hour.

5)Mary Jane

Sorry possums I don't know 5 people that I want to inflict this on,every other blog that I read, has already taken part.

Happy Thanksgiving

Laila

Coming Soon

2005-11-21T03:43:00.000-05:00

It's all her fault part 2. I can't believe that I'm still awake . I'm going to bed.
But It's all her fault is coming soon.

Laila

It's All her Fault......

2005-11-03T21:11:00.000-05:00

Was it her fiery auburn hair . Was her beautifully exotic South African accent. Was it her incredible wit and intelligence. Or was it her daffy sense of humor.
I just absolutely adore my fabulous (HA! TAKE THAT LOW SELF ESTEEM!!) Red-headed South African princess. Everybody fucking loves that girl . Sweetie Dahling you rule! For those of you who don't know about my favorite girl Red,
her story goes like this......
Baby Diva in training Miss Red.... A young budding journalist leaves her home in South Africa to seek her fortune in the United States. While working as a nanny for wealthy family in Washington D.C., Red was plunged into the world of the politics and scandal. After her Pulitzer Prize winning expose' entitled "NannyGate"; Red became the toast of the town. But, at the height of her creative period she dropped out of sight. Red settled down with The Boy in the quiet little section of Baltimore City called Upper Hampden Hon. Red spent the next six years living as a pampered Diva in Baltimore. Red began to grow weary of her life as a society page matron . Red's only creative outlet was tending to her fabulous blog, in which her readers literally hung on her every word. Red has decided to give up her lavish pampered American lifestyle to go back to work. Red has decided to return to her native South Africa to write the Great American novel. Red has been offered a huge advance from South Africa's largest publishing house. If the popularity of her blog is any indication of booksales,then she should achieve world domination within 90 days of the it's initial sale date. Bong!!!
As we met for dinner that night, I could tell that there was something she hesitated to tell.But before the night was over, much alcohol was consumed and many of secrets were shared.
Remember all men especially American men want to be the first to put a flag on the moon. And I guess the Amish boy has a better ass than you. While we were out painting the town hot pink. My Dahling Red was collecting marriage proposals and free drinks from every eligible bachelor in the room. You go girl....... I'm surprised that I made it to work on time the next morning. I guess it was a good thing that Jesus can drive faster than the police. I really hope that by some miracle that you were able to stay for my birthday party. Twenty of my best friends touring the festive pubs in Baltimore. You know that you want to stay for all of the mayhem. But don't let me be the one that tempts you in to not returning to your home land. Please take back with you the joy and love that you have brought to the lives of so many around the world. Write that kick ass book. Make that money girl. And I'll see you in Johannesburg in June.

Writer's block

2005-09-13T02:23:00.000-04:00

It's happened again;I'm suffering from writer's block. I have so many thoughts running around inside my brain that I can't seem to get a grip on anything specific. So at this point, you should used to my random rants about nothing.
I know that it's been a while since I've written. Yes, I'm a bad girl. But there is so much going on right now. I think that I'm in the middle of my annual nervous breakdown. I've been feeling icky lately. So you know what that means, a trip to the doctor. And as usual Dr. Greene was happy to see me. It's seeing hyprocondriacs like me, that will help send her kids to college. So I went today,because I secretly thought that I was having a stroke. I've been chewing on aspirins to try and ward this thing off until I can get to her office.
One of the things that I hate the most about going to see Dr Greene is her staff. Those girls are the the laziest & nastiest bunch of bitches that I've ever met. And those are their good points. I know that good help is hard to find(my office included) But her staff is down right rude. And I make it point of telling her during every visit. Yes, her staff hates me too. Fuck them. Okay back to me.
The other thing that drives me crazy about Dr. Greene is that every conversation ends up being about her. Most visits start off with me reminding her about how much I hate her staff. Then,the conversation turns to family issues. Dr. Greene's mother and MamaDear are neighbors. So there is no family secret/gossip that she is not aware of. Then we finally get around to my issues. So I tell her that I'm concerned about having a stroke,because almost every magazine article I've read lately has some stroke related story. And then out of nowhere,she said that
"People have strokes all the time and never even know it. Your blood pressure is a bit high today, I think that I'll increase your medication." Then she starts talking about her problems. And with that, I get a bunch of new prescriptions and I'm sent on my merry way. I really think I just pay for her kids tuition.
Well I have another appointment next month. To see if the medication is working. I guess it could be worst?

Laila

You Sexy Bitch

2005-08-16T23:44:00.000-04:00

NEED I SAY ANYMORE ?

LAILA

My Mojo

2005-08-08T22:51:00.000-04:00

Looking back at things before I lost my MOJO, I must admit that I had a
pretty healthy sexual appetite. Now let me start off by saying that I was
not and currently am not a promiscuous woman. I am a hypochondriac and I am obsessed with diseases of all forms, that by it' self has keep me on the straight and narrow(somewhat). Oh, and that fact that my ex-husband was and is such a MAN-WHORE. I spent a lot of time in my doctor's office obsessing about the disease of the week that could be lying dormant in my body. If fact , I was watching the news one night and they were discussing prostate cancer. Yes, I know that I don't have a prostate and only men can get prostate cancer,but I know that had some of the same symptoms. Really I did, I mean except for the obvious.
And as usual most conversations with my doctor usually end with her saying,
"Laila Honey, Do you need refill on your zoloft or your xanax ?"
" Have you taken both of them today?"
" Okay, then why don't you go ahead and take them now, and just relax yourself.There's no use getting yourself all worked up over this."
"We'll do a full blood work and check for everything when you come in for your next visit. Darling, after a little nap, you'll just feel fine."
"Oh, Laila honey, the next time, take your medicine and wait about an hour before you call the office. You nearly scared the new receptionist to death with all of the crying and yelling, We hadn't warned her on how to handle you."
MamaDear,Claudia, Marnie & I have all been patients of Dr. Monica Green for years. She is very aware of the insanity that runs in my family. Oh back to my sex life. I'm no ho;but I do enjoy a good time.
I just realized something this has nothing to do with my sex life at all......
Keep coming back.....
Laila

Summer Vacation

2005-08-04T23:52:00.000-04:00

This is what happens when you become an adult and go on summer vacation. NOT A DAMN THING HAPPENS !!!!
I bet no one has even noticed that I haven't posted on my blog. OK, actually one person has noticed. Thanks RED.
So to update you on what's going on with me, while I was on summer vacation.

1) Marnie and I haven't killed each other yet. We still live in the same house together,and Co Co our doggy is doing fine. Speaking of the house. We FINALLY went to settlement. Remember that we were trying to refinance our mortgage. Well Thank God that's over. Now, I can quit my job.

2) Upon signing the papers at settlement, Marnie made me promise not to go to work and "show my ass". I make no promises. But when I go to work, I do smile like the village idiot. Because I'm waiting for the right moment to perform my "I QUIT BITCH DANCE ", For Suezilla the gatekeeper to hell. It's just a matter of time. You'll know when it happens. You may even see it on the news.

3) I've gotten my MO JO back. For those of you who don't know the story.....A few years ago, I gave up the party girl lifestyle. And All that goes along with it..ie drugs,alcohol, casual sex, casual sex with random people, drunken random casual sex with drunken random people,and all other sex that falls into any category. Now I know what you must be thinking. Say it ain't so. It all comes down to this. When the police suggest that you not return to work,because your coworkers are considering pressing charges.( Please reread Passing Strangers) I took their suggestion and entered myself in to a "program". After wards, I took another suggestion by changing jobs and becoming a Bookstore Diva. And believe it of not, I maintained my sobriety for over two years. Enough is Enough. I am ready for drunken random casual sex with drunken random casual people.
I'm also planning a return visit to Hedonism in Jamaica for my birthday. That's where I celebrated my divorce from the Mexican. It was a good time had by all.

4) The cute guy from the guy has been calling me.I still don't know what that's all about. I personally think that he's trying to save my soul. Remember in the movie THE COLOR PURPLE, when they sang the song "God's trying to tell you something". Well this guy Steve; he is a personal trainer at the gym ,where I make a donation every month. He is hot as hell. He is enough to make you loose your religion. In fact, I heard that he used to be a stripper. Then all of a sudden he found Jesus. You see that 's the difference with Catholics and everybody else. We don't need to be born again. Once is enough. We know that all we have to do is go to confession at least once a year and make that once in a life time trip to Rome, we are straight. It also helps if you were active in the church during your youth,and your grandmother spends most of her time trying to pray your ass into heaven. Also I think that if you attended catholic school, that's extra credit in your favor. I myself attended catholic school from K-12. I think I automatically go to heaven or at least purgatory. Yet I digress. Steve is one of those true holy rollers. That freaks me the fuck out. Because even if by some miracle ,I was able to tempt him over to the dark side or my bedroom. I would be stealing a soul from the Lord. I would so automatically go to hell for that. But with a body like that, can you blame a girl for considering it?

Laila

Escape to New York

2005-07-10T20:56:00.000-04:00

I think that my first love has always been traveling. So at any given moment I may wake up and need to run away.Believe me it has happened more times than I care to count. I didn't really feel like an adult until I got my passport.
Many of you have heard me go on and on about the upcoming Bartenders Convention in NYC. Well let me tell you what happened. Or at least what I can remember. Annabella, Lisa &, Sean are bartenders at the big catering hall West Winds,where I used to work years ago.They still work there part time, I on the other hand was told by the vice president of the company,that I was only allowed in the building if I was a paying guest. He's still an asshole as far as I'm concerned. And I'm not the only one that thinks so.
Bella and I have been really good friends since my days at WestWinds. Bella is my little Italian Mama. Bella is married to Sergio; Sergio is a retired college professor. Sergio is as mad as a hatter. No matter what time day or night they are constantly yelling at each other. We keep telling Bella that Sergio will be the death of her;she agrees. Bella is the epitome of a Renaissance woman. She can give Martha Stewart a run for her money. She can repair a roof, paint a portrait that rivals DaVinci,cook a dinner that would make Julia Child weep and drink most sailors under the table. And she's one of those tree hugging hippies who can score the best ganja with one phone call.
Then there is Lisa. Lisa is the ex girlfriend of Hans the Horny Dutchman. I was hoping that he would have joined us. But NOOOO. We got stuck with Miss Congeniality. They had been dating for about 6 years. During their relationship
they both remained married to other people. In addition,Hans has fucked almost everything with a vagina. In fact , I once asked Hans what his secret was with women. He said to me once, and I kid you not
" Laila, the pussy is a dangerous thing, It will grab you and not let you go." Ok, he still scares me. Sean says that "If given the chance Hans would fuck a snake if you held it's mouth open."
So after spending the weekend with Lisa,we figure that their relationship had to be purely physical,because she has personality of a wet blanket. I still can't believe that cow complained all weekend about not being able to find any good food. For chrissakes, we were in NYC of all places in the world. I you can't find it here you can find it anywhere. Simple Bitch.
Last but least is Sean. I call Sean the Nutty Irishman,because he is. Sean is such an asshole. He actually reminds me of my grandfather Big Daddy. They have such a charming demeanor,that they can insult you to your face with a smile and you don't even realize that you have been insulted. Sean and Hans both have one thing in common;they love the ladies. I should know , Sean & I got to know each other very well several years ago.
Bella,Lisa & I traveled up to NY on Saturday afternoon. Sean met us on Sunday just in time for the show. We invited is wife Colleen to come along. Like that was really going to happen. Sean totally believes in keeping her barefoot and pregnant. I think the excuse this time was ,that the twins Patrick & Michael had a big soccer game. I think in order to be a proper Irishman,you have to come out of the womb ready to play soccer.
Can I just tell you that I was a ROCK STAR that weekend. I literally had to be carrier out of the Jacob Javitz Center on both days. Each day, I proceeded to drink from every booth in the building. By the end of the first day, Bella & I were feeling no pain. I vaguely remember "resting on the ground" in front of the Javitz Center. And calling Brigitte at work to tell her that I loved her and that she was my best friend in the whole wide world. A classic drunk dialing move. How we ever made it back to the hotel,is beyond me. And we even went out that night for dinner. I just remember(barely) a lot of walking unnecessarily.
I do understand that when in Rome do as the Romans. But come on, when you've been drinking LOTS of free alcohol for hours; a cab is not totally out of the question. I did eventually sober up (somewhat) that evening.
Okay I did sleep with Sean that weekend. Actually we just shared a bed. No really that was all. It was either that,or one of us would have to sleep with Lisa.
Us sleeping together was the lesser of the two evils. Bella got stuck with Lisa,and Sean and I giggled like school girls until we fell asleep.
The next day was more of the same,drinking until I almost fell down. The day started with a Hpnotiq Breeze and I think it ended with a very statuesque woman offering me Sum Poosie,and yes I tried it. Let's just say it was a fun time had by all. One of the best things about attending a convention like this, is the fact that you get to take goodies home with you. Of my group, I got the biggest goodie bag. I bought home a fifty pound box of goodies back from the Bar Show. I don't remember how they got me and the box back to the hotel. Because I was tanked. I can't remember if I had to show my tits to fill my goodie box . Oh well if I did,it was all worth it. Can't wait til next year.
Laila

Passing Strangers

2005-06-16T12:45:00.000-04:00

With all of the things that go on in our very busy lives, we sometimes we take things for granted;like friendship.

I'm quite sure most of you have heard the story of why I no longer work in that sports bar in Timonium. But if you haven't, I will fill you in later. And you've probably had to endure the tale of Dylan; the boy whom I allowed to break my heart.(Today I try to take responsibility for my actions ).

Well, last night I was working at the book store, and I saw a familiar face. It was Eric, one of the bartenders from the Sports Bar. I never really got a chance to know him when I worked there, but I heard that he was dumb as a bag of rocks. When I saw him it made me wonder about some of my old co workers. He was wearing an Orioles T-shirt, so I can only assume that he was downtown for the baseball game. Why else would anyone wear an Orioles shirt in public?

Later that night,while Brigitte & I were waiting for her hubby Seth to pick her up, that same guy walked past us. Before I had a chance to point him out to Brigitte. A couple walked past us, and then I recognized him. It was Dylan.
There are some things about people that you just don't forget. Their walk, or the way they hold their head down, when they walk past you on the street, hoping that you don't recognize them.
I looked at Brigitte, and said " Omigod,it's him."
"Who ? she asked",
"Him, I said".
"You know ,What's his name. I said "
Brigitte & I never refer to Dylan by name. But she figured it out quickly. Because her whole expression changed.
"I'm gonna go kick his ass now, she said."
" Noooo, I said". "But he deserves it ,Brigitte said".

(The last time we saw him, we were at the Sports Bar having dinner. Because Sabrina,insisted on it. And since it was her birthday , we had to humor her. Dylan waited until I went to the ladies room so he could come to the table to speak to Sabrina. He stood with his back to me with during their entire conversation ,never even acknowledging my presence. Of course this pissed Brigitte the hell off. She wanted to stab him in the eye with a fork)

" Nobody is above a good old fashioned ass kicking , but NO, I said"
" But I'd really enjoy it" Brigitte said .

I do know that she would have derived great pleasure from kicking his ass. In fact, I've even dreamed about being there when that whole karma thing,catches up with him. I told her later that," he was not worth the spit it takes to cuss him with". Actually, I was too tired to have to go to jail that night. You don't think that I would have allowed her to kick his ass with out me participating. Hell Naw.

So he and his flavor of the month, just walked on towards Little Italy. Did he recognize me? Not really sure. But to be honest I could have sworn that I saw somebody that looked like him in the bookstore earlier in the evening.
Do I care? Could you pass an old friend on the street and not acknowledge their presence?
Honestly, I am a little sad that things ended the way they did between us. But that part of my life is over. I bear no ill will towards him. In fact, I only wish him the best.

Most of all, I am so lucky to have girlfriends that love me so much that they will, kick some guys ass, just on sheer principle. One of the things, I've learned on my journey,is this....Men will come and go. But girlfriends are for keeps.

BUT I COULD CHANGE MY MIND AND WE COULD KICK HIS ASS LATER

Laila

I could not stop for death- Part 1

2005-05-17T23:00:00.000-04:00

About 10 years ago, when Big Daddy died (my maternal grandfather),I was given some words of wisdom from one of his girlfriends that I will never forget." There will be two occasions in your life where you will make enemies. When you get married and when you die.Because everybody wants to run the show." And you know how right she was.
Last week Mama Dear(my maternal grandmother), called to tell us that Uncle Buddy died. Buddy was her eldest child,and her only son. MamaDear and Buddy had a very strange and strained
relationship,in fact most people outside of our family didn't know that Buddy even existed. MamaDear had received a call on Tuesday night from Sheila; Buddy's longtime girlfriend. I was told that they had been together for 12 years, but no one in the family had ever met her. Okay's that not actually true. Teddy; Buddy's oldest son used to live with them for a while,but Buddy put him out. Hell if I know why? But Teddy, is a simple-ass, so God only knows. It seems that Buddy had died sometime on Saturday,but we were just getting word on Tuesday night. And to add insult to injury, Sheila was having Buddy cremated instead of a traditional funeral. Well, Thank God Buddy is already dead,
because all hell is about to break loose.

I've said before how strange my family is. We make it a point of only
getting together for the occasion wedding or funeral.And family reunions are totally out of the question. We tried years ago, but it wasn't pretty.It just doesn't seem to work out for us. And we are actually fine with it.
Some family events have been known to end with the police being called and folks with outstanding warrants being escorted off by Baltimore's finest.
Mama Dear or Aunt Pearl to all who know and love her, is the matriarch of our dysfunctional tribe. She's 89 years old, smokes two packs of Camels a day, curses like a long shoreman and has been known to keep a flask full of Crown Royal somewhere in the bottom of her purse. Oh and she's a devout Catholic;need say more? Mama Dear has buried two husbands,her first was Buddy's father,whom was never talked about,we didn't even know his name until we say it in Buddy's obituary. Mama Dear calls me & Marnie EVERYDAY. Usually just to say that she's not dead yet. It is the opinion of our tribe that she will out live all of us.

Next in the group is Claudia; Claudia is Mama Dear's eldest daughter. She has two lovely daughters, Marnie & Laila. Claudia was able to do something that few in our family has manage accomplish with some degree of success. That is getting the hell out of Baltimore. Claudia used to be a private duty nurse for this sweet little old lady Miss Anne. Claudia had become so attached to Miss Anne that when she wanted to move to Arizona for health reasons, Miss Anne took Claudia with her. When Miss Anne died two years ago,she left everything to Claudia. Claudia is now retired and living in Las Vegas. She works one day a week at one of the big hotels so that when she travels she can get the employee rate. She rarely comes back to visit. Unless she has to.

Then there's Isabella, but everyone just calls her Ella. Ella is the crazy
aunt; she is a the typical middle child or as some would call her our resident Drama Queen. Ella entered a convent the day after she graduated highshcool. Ella was always "the fragile one". So my grandparents thought that the convent would be the best place for her. Ella became Sr.Catherine Marie, she was a great school teacher, She directed the choir, organized bake sales. Etc. In my opinion, she was bucking for sainthood. But Ella really wasn't cut out for convent life if you know what I mean. She had one little flaw, she loved the communion wine,a little to much if I might add. She said that it made her feel closer to God. And then there was that seminary student that she was secretly dating. And you what happened next. One nun plus communion wine,plus a seminary student equals a conception,that not so immaculate. When Sr. Catherine Marie got pregnant,she was asked to leave the the convent. Ella became one of those tree hugging hippies and now runs one an outreach program that targets single mothers and she's also a practicing Rastafari . Who knew?
And last but not least is Jessica. Jessica is probably the only normal one in the whole family. Jessica is MamaDear's pride and joy. I mean butter can't melt in Aunt Jess' mouth as far as MamaDear is concerned. Aunt Jess went to college,graduated at the top of her class, became a school teacher,married her college sweetheart ,has a wonderful family,beautiful home,Blah,Blah,Blah... You get my point. I personally think that they have dead bodies buried in their back yard. They are just too fucking wholesome as far as I'm concerned The truth will come out about them later. So know you've officially met the relatives. Let the festivities begin.....

I could not stop for death-Part 2

2005-05-17T00:35:00.000-04:00

I have decided that when I die,that I want my funeral to be a sheer spectacle.
I've made certain provisions in my will that I want carried out. Including a video montage ending with me & the Grim Reaper walking hand & hand down the yellow brick road singing "My Way"(The Sinatra version) . A reception with an open bar and a live band. My friends have to fight over who will try to ride the casket out of the church. Dancing girls ,midget wrestling, a disco ball and a 21 shot toast with everyone singing "Sweet Home Alabama", all in my honor.
To whoever is actually reading this, you have your work cut out for you. But know this,it will be one hell of a party.
Weddings and funerals are the only occasions when my family feels obligated to come together. Just to recap, Uncle Buddy is dead. MamaDear is pissed off with Sheila because she wants to have Buddy cremated. Not to mention that Mama Dear had a list of demands that she wanted met, such as moving the funeral to Saturday so that All of the family could pay their respects.(Actually the Saturday thing was my idea,God forbid I should tell Suezilla that I need a day off. Who knew that it would cause so much controversy). Now I don't know what words passed between MamaDear and Sheila,but I heard that Sheila told MamaDear that she wasn't going to pay for the funeral. Drama, I tell you. So ofcourse this upsets MamaDear and Marnie enough to call Claudia and request for her to come home ASAP. By the way ,Claudia was not amused. As usual,Ella and I were left out of the loop.And Jessica was off trying to be the peace maker.Ella and I were taking bets on who would make Jessica cry first. We call her Crying Jessie, because she is so overly dramatic about everything.
I really don't understand how her husband puts up with her in general.
Claudia called me two days before the funeral to find out what was really going on. She understands how our family has a flare for the dramatic,and that MamaDear has to have her way with everything. Claudia explained that she had spoken to Uncle Buddy a few weeks before he died . Uncle Buddy knew that he was dying and that he didn't trust either Sheila or MamaDear to carry out his wishes. Buddy had named Claudia the executor of his estate when he realized how far his illness had progressed. Buddy also knew that Sheila and MamaDear both had separate insurance polices on him. Claudia had figured that they both would try to take the cheap route. But by the time Claudia had arrived at BWI, everything was taken care of. I still don't know how she did it.
As luck would have it,I had to drive Marnie and Claudia to the funeral. I never get a break. Marnie and Claudia started arguing almost immediately. Claudia made it a point of calling Marnie a kiss-ass,because she likes to cater to MamaDear's ego. Under any other circumstances Marnie would have retorted with some kind of rude comment. Marnie always has to have the last word. But not in this case. Claudia was in rare form today. I think she was waiting for Marnie to say something,so she could slap the taste out of her mouth. Since Marnie's ego was bruised, I guess she figured she would pick on me. Marnie found fault with everything from my clothes,to my hair,to my driving ability. But Claudia was having no of that. Claudia told Marnie if she uttered another word,that she would put her out of the car and make her walk the rest of the way. If Claudia wasn't my mom, I would adopt her.
Once we arrived at the funeral home, we ran into Ella and Antoinette ;they were both outside having a much needed cigarette break. Marnie quickly made her way inside, to go check on Mama Dear. Claudia's exact words were "Buddy ain't going anywhere, I'm gonna have me a smoke before I have to deal with these motherfuckers. " By the time we made it inside,it was practically standing room only. Most of the attendees were Mamadear's church members;most of whom had never met Buddy. Mamadear had appointed Jessica to be the official greeter. All she had to stand was stand at the door and hand out the obituary programs. And later during the funeral, Jessica would read the obituary.

Excuses,Excuses

2005-05-15T00:26:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while and you feel neglected. Sorry, but I've been really busy lately.
For starters,I told you that Marnie & I are in the middle of refinance the house. So that meant that we had to clean the house. Yuck.!!!! I have to be honest with you; Marnie & I didn't inherit the cleaning gene. In fact, we avoid cleaning like the plague. Also, we are both pack rats. We have never been able to throw things away. I don't know why. So can you imagine that I still have things in boxes from when Jason & I moved into this house almost ten years ago? I know what your probaly thinking, and I'll say it again, I have no plans for therapy unless it is court appointed. So Marnie and I paid our nephew to come over and help. And since he just got out of jail;he had an opening in his busy schedule and was able to lend us a hand.He said that he was locked up because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time.But that 's another story ,for another day.
So we were up all night cleaning the house. Because the appraisal was the next morning. After all of that ,do you know how long it took for the appraisal ?
Fifteen fucking minutes at a cost of $300. Ain't that some shit! I'm definelty in the wrong line of work. I just hope this process is over soon. Because the day after we go to settlement,I'm going in to tell Suezilla to "Kiss my black ass".
And no I haven't found another job. I don't care. I'll go back to the Megabookstore full time if I have to.
Secondly, my doggie Coco is getting old. She's going on 11 years old and has developed arthritis. Marnie is flipping out,because she's became attached to the dog, and now she's having problems dealing with the dog's morality.(Can you refer to it as mortality when your speaking of a dog ?) I keep telling her that MamaDear is 85 years old and has more health problems than Coco and we haven't put her to sleep yet. Marnie wasn't amused,but I thought that it was funny. Anyhoo,we are considering aquatherapy for the dog. Yes, I am serious.
And last but not least we had death in the family. Uncle Buddy died. And that my dears,is a whole other story.That I will give you all the gory deatils to the funeral/family reunion. Well, I gotta go. I have to make an early appearance in hell tomorrow.
Laila

Reliving the days my youth

2005-04-13T08:50:00.000-04:00

Do you ever get that feeling that death is creeping up on you ? Welcome to my hell. Actually on most days the constant thought of death makes me as giddy as a schoolgirl. For whatever reason Suezilla: the gatekeeper to hell is out of the office for the rest of the week. Thank God for small miracles. Believe me, I am two minutes away from going postal in this bitch on any given day. If you haven't heard by now,Marnie & I are in the middle of trying to refinance the house.So that means that I have to continue to work here until we go to settlement. As our mortgage broker Tina has nicely put it,."Laila, the day after we go to settlement you can go in and tell them to kiss your big black ass." Tina is just hoping that I don't flake out on her and fuck up her commission. She knows me pretty well at this point. She used to work for my old attorney. She is aware of the possibilities when it comes to dealing with me. We also started the paperwork to refinance back in October. But we are off to see the wizard and there is no turning back. So everyone wish me luck and think happy thoughts.....
It's that time of year again, when your favorite bands go on tour. Yes the summer concert season has begun. It is my goal to see as many GOOD shows as I can this summer. Last summer wasn't that great,but hopefully this year will make up for that. This past weekend, was my official kick off for the season.
My best girlfriend Brigitte, her husband Seth and I traveled up to Wilkes-Barre, Pa to see Duran Duran. I've known Brigitte and her sister Lisa since highschool, in fact we celebrated our 20th anniversary last year at Sabatino's and then we proceeded to drink our way through Fells Point.It was a good time had by all. One of the reasons we've been friends for so long, is that we have the same taste in music and beer. My dad once said " Good music is good music no matter who plays it."And I have always lived by that rule.Too bad everyone doesn't subscribe to that theory. I think that having attended private school, opened me up to a world of possiblilies that I might have never experienced otherwise. Especially our eclectic taste in music. Our music collections includes everything from Abba to Zeppelin and everything else in between. But when it's all said and done, Brigitte and I are Anglophiles. We love all things British. Let's just put it this way; When Princess Diana was killed, I took to my bed for a week. Sorry, I need a moment. Talk amongst yourselves.
We grew up in the 80's, during the height of the British Pop Invasion. We absolutely adored bands like Duran Duran and Go West, while other teenaged girls in our neighborhood dreamed of Prince and New Edition. Mom & Marnie couldn't understand why I didn't have pictures of Michael Jackson on my walls instead of men who looked more like white women.
Isn't it ironic;don't ya think... Brigitte and I saw Duran Duran perform about 10 years ago. But this is the first time in over a decade that the original quintet has perform together. I have to admit that I wasn't as excited about it as Brigitte was ,but I was looking forward to the show. I was just so happy not to have to drive. I was out with Brigitte and her sister Lisa the night before and I was the only one without a massive hangover. One because I was the designated driver,and I was smart enough to stay away from the Ouzo.I wonder if Lisa ever found her glasses?
Anyhoo, after what seemed to be an eternity,we finally made it to Wilkes-Barre for the show. As we sat in the car people watching, I noticed something. Everyone was old; Except for us ,of course. And almost every man was gay. Seth wanted it noted that he and a rest the other straight men were there just to drive their wives and girlfriends. Now that the Seth disclaimer is out of the way. He's an attorney,we have to humor him,he keeps us out of jail.
Back when we were young girls,it never occurred to us that Duran Duran's fan base included boys. All we knew is that they were cute and we would more than willingly give our virginity to any member of the band just for the asking.
Come on, who wouldn't have sex with John Taylor or Simon LeBon,trade make secrets with Nick Rhodes. Or just be a back up singer with the band. I guess whether your a boy or a girl fan,our fantasies were all the same.
So to make a long story short,the show was incredible. Seth got us great fucking seats. We happened to be seated right infront of a group of fabulous gay guys,who took their job of fashion police very seriously. They made it a point of pointing out every fashion faux paus in the building. It was just like being sixteen all over again. Singing and dancing with your favorite band while they played all of your favorite songs. And yes I remember almost all of the words. Best of all , I'm old enough to finally have sex with the band. I hear they are coming to Baltimore in July. I'm ready. I hope they are.
Laila

Damn New Technology

2005-04-02T01:28:00.000-05:00

I have such a bad memory (Thank you u pot). I constantly have to be reminded of important things,especially dates.So with the advent of the computer;came online calendars.And this kiddies,has helped me save face on quite a few occasions over the past few years. My calendar is set to send me an email,seven ,three and the day of an event. So now I only rarely forget birthdays and other important events. So the other day when I was online, I received the customary pre-birthday email to remind me the feeble-minded to send out a birthday card. Oh shit!
His name was Dylan, and I thought that I had gotten rid of all evidence of him. I forgot to remove this birthday from my online calendar.Well, I quickly resolved that problem. But it's too late. The email forced me to remember everything the good,the bad, and all the drama. Just when I was content with the fact that he was out of my system, or was he? Well if he is truly out of my system, then why do I still have our pictures hidden at the bottom of my nightstand? And why, do I still want to call him, just to say Happy Birthday ? What the hell is wrong with me? I've told you that I read a few self help books. Exorcising your Ex, How to spot a bastard by his star sign, And the best of the best. He's just not that intoYou. After all I am the Bookstore Diva. I know what your thinking. Oh no,not again. Do we have to hear the Ballad of Laila & Dylan again? Well pipe down out there in the peanut gallery, not everyone has heard the story. And if you have, get over it, this my blog remember. Your an invited guest. It's not nice to annoy the hostess. Didn't your mother teach you anything ? Everyone's a critic. Jeez.
I believe that there have been three men that have shaped my love life. My father, my ex-husband, and Dylan.
Most women, for some unknow reason to them;tend to go after men like their fathers,whether they realize it or not. Believe me, it was not my intention on marrying a man like my father, in fact I was going for the opposite.
I once told my dad, that having been born into this family,that I was destined for a 12 step program. Who knew?
One of the things I've learned is that I am what is called a "care-taker". I want to save the world, and fix everyone's problems. All except my own. I call it the Mother Theresa complex.Yes, I am bucking for sainthood.
Saint Laila does have a nice ring to it. I've even gotten at least one miracle under my belt. More will be revealed.
I met Jason during my junior year of college. And no, I didn't know that he and Justin were related. We were taking the same class and we ended up being in a study group together. When I looked at him, there was something familiar about him.But I just couldn't put my finger on it. Duh! Anyhoo, He was dating this supermodel in training. And believe me, she had the life style down to a science, but was as dumb as a bag of rocks. Beautiful girl,but she was an absolute mess.She ended up flunking out school and eventually was shipped off to rehab by her parents.That's how Jason and I became friends,basically he needed a shoulder to cry on. I caught him on the rebound. I once asked Jason,why did he asked me to marry him ? He said, "it's because you are intelligent, and you would be a good wife,someone who would be faithful no matter what". Can you tell that I suffered from horrible low self esteem.
I was always a fat girl. I pretended that most things didn't bother me. But they really did. So early on, I had decided that I would be like a duck and let it all roll off my back. I didn't date much. Now granted, I'm not butt-ugly. But I have never been comfortable with my appearance as with most women. Just in case you wanted to know. I married the first cute guy that asked.
I do have standards ; ugly is hard on the eyes.
If there were two people that were not suppose to be together, it was Jason and I. Were weren't even oil & water. We were ammonia and bleach, yes the combination seems good, but the fumes could also kill you.
Part of the problem was that we both underestimated each other. I guess, it's the same in any relationship.
He thought that I was going to be subservient,and I thought that he wasn't that big of an ASSHOLE. We were both wrong. Ladies take note, If you think that you have found Prince Charming, but everyone else around you sees a toad. It's time for an eye exam. My father hated him from day one. Daddy & Uncle Chili made it very clear that if he ever hurt me,that he would meet with an unfortunate accident. Luckily, for Jason,I never had to call in the troops. I did my own dirty work. My theory is this, If I'm going to jail for something,it will be for something I actually did. Not for something someone else fucked up. Not that I don't trust Uncle Chili's handy work, I mean he did escape from the pentitentary and lived on the outside for a long time. But he eventually was caught again. This where the irony comes in to play. I married into a family even worst than my own. Jason's mother Isabella,was absolutely insane.And she hated me as much as my father hated him. As you can tell our holiday gatherings were a hoot.(Yes,I said hoot).
Some of you may know of a certain "little" problem that I have with members of a certain ethnic group. I find prejudice to be such an ugly word. But I'm not fond of Mexicans. There I said it. There are people who hate Black people, there are people hate Koreans. I just happen to hate Mexicans for no reason at all. In fact, if I don't like you personally,then your automatically a Mexican. As far as I'm concerned. It's part of my psychosis, Let's move on. Marrying into the Martinez family made my dysfuntional family seem almost normal. And believe that was no easy task. And after living with these people you would understand why,there is no love for the Mexicans. By the way, they are actuallyPuerto Ricans; same thing as far as I'm concerned.
Well more about those simple-assed Mexicans later. Hey I just realized that I forgot about Dylan. We can talk about him another time.

Laila

Today is the first day......

2005-03-27T02:27:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. How many times have you heard this bullshit ? I try so hard to be a positive person, no really I do. But as many of you know , I am cynical as hell. I don't know , maybe I was born under a bad sign. My zodiac sign is Sagittarius which means I am a flake. I am pretty much true to my astrological star sign with a few exceptions. I read my horoscope occasionally, but I don't make a big deal out of it. I did read this one astrology book that I thought was pretty good. It helped me get through yet another breakup. How To Spot A Bastard By His Star Sign. After reading this insightful self help guide,I realized something. That I was that bastard or to put it simply, "I am the girl ,your mother warned you about."
I once heard someone say, That if you look around and don't know at least one crazy person,than you are the crazy person. Granted, I just assume that everyone is crazy and deranged anyway, so when the proof actually rears it's ugly little head ,your not at all surprised. I come from a family of nutballs so it truly is genetic.
Jason my ASSHOLE ex husband had been telling people for years that I was (am) deranged ,but who cares what he has to say.(Your Honor,I know that the gun was loaded, but I was just trying to get his attention;Some people just can't take a joke.) Let's just say,that I know what the inside of the MD House of Corrections looks like. Speaking of jail, when I was a little girl I thought that everyone went to Jessup & Hagerstown to visit their relatives on Sundays. I come from a family of Hellions and we are no stranger to Johnny Law and how he deals with folks that don't respect the law..
Everyone has a favorite relative, mine is Uncle Chili Pepper. My grandmother did not name any of her children Chili nor was her last name Pepper. Having Chili as an Uncle has been a blessing as well as a curse. If your in a bind Chili is the person you want to come to your rescue. He's that shoot first,take no prisoners type of guy.
The curse is that you never know who Chili screwed over, and I understand it is quite a few people. Once I was having problems with this guy that owed me money. I sent Chili to talk to him. I promised Chili a cut of the proceeds if he got my money(A little incentive never hurts).
Chili was unable to recover my money(or so I was told). But strange enough,no one has seen that guy since. Alls well that ends well, I guess.

It's Raining Again

2005-03-23T22:00:00.000-05:00

As with every morning, as you know I have to coax myself out of the bed. And drop Ms. Daisy off at the metro station. Some things don't change. Marnie reminded me to check the basement for water before I left for work. This morning it was raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock. And for some strange reason when it rains heavily like this we some times have a problem with flooding in our basement. Ain't that a bitch.I pray for sunny days, just so I don't have the headache & backache of mopping a wet basement. So when I got back home, what did I find? a small puddle on the basement floor.( This is where I begin to do the happy dance) I guess I can't go to work today. I have to call in. And as luck would have it. The gatekeeper to hell is off again today as well. Suezilla: the gatekeeper to hell and my immediate stupidvisor (this week) is in a contract dispute with the powers that be. She's been out "sick" for the the last couple of days. I don't know, could it be that Suezilla just got passed over for a promotion,by someone that was hired from outside the company. As much as I hate my job, I think I might stick around to see how this power struggle plays out. You see, Suezilla's office is directly behind across from my cubicle.I can literally feel her eyes burning at the back of my head. But not today. Today, I got to stay in bed like a big ole moo cow. Just in case you were wondering, I got absolutely nothing accomplished today. Oh, I did throw a couple of towels on the basement floor, to soak up the water,then it was back to bed for me.
But I did get up in time to cook dinner and watch Oprah. Oprah was interviewing Robin Givens about her "breaking her silence" about her marriage to Mike Tyson. I have to admit that after watching the interview, I've come away with new respect for her. "What doesn't kill us,makes us stronger." Over the years I have heard this
many times in regards to my own life. My failed marriage, the death of my daughter, my stint in rehab etc.....
Kiddies, Hollywood ain't got nothing on me. Now, I don't want to depress y'all, but at times we may talk about "REAL" issues. This is my continuing drama. But I do promise that I won't resurrect the dead, as with most soap operas.
Speaking of psycho ex-husbands, did I mention that mine was an asshole? This asshole is currently shacking up with his Bitchwhore Girlfriend (That he will NEVER marry) and their tribe of children, in their really nice house somewhere in Montgomery County. While I'm here with Ms. Daisy and a damp leaky basement. Now I know what your thinking. "Laila, God don't like ugly." Ok, point taken. All I have to say is that "What goes around comes around." And when it does, I'm gonna be there with the popcorn.
I met Justin Martinez my freshman year of college. He had just finished beauty school and was working as a shampoo boy at Foxy Lady's. The first time I saw him,I was in love. He was tall, light-skinned with curly hair and green eyes. And when he washed your hair, Girl, it was like a sexual experience. Everybody wanted to be washed by Justin. His fingers were magic. I had gone to Foxy's in the past,because my cousin Nay-Nay used to do hair there. But this time I had gotten an appointment with my friend's cousin Treva, who had just started there and was trying to build up her clientele. Justin was fine,with a capital F-I-N-E. And I wanted a piece of that.
So what 's a girl to do? Well inquire with his coworkers..ie Treva. First I had to find out was he seeing anyone ?
And as luck would have it, he wasn't. In fact, I can remember the conversation like it was yesterday. Treva said that "Justin has not had good luck with girls lately, what he needs is a really nice girl." Was that an open invitation or what? I'm a nice girl. He and I usually have nice conversations in the salon while he's washing my hair. I think I should go for it. Wouldn't you think? So I decided to discuss this with Stacie (Treva's cousin). Stacie's exact words were " I thought that Justin was gay." Girl,he's not gay, he's just sensitive. HELLOO, can you say denial ?
Just in case you were wondering, YES, Justin is very gay. But when we were dating. We were still very young, he was definitely very confused. Ok, and I was very much in denial. I even used the excuse that the fact that he never touched me ,eventhough were were once handcuffed together for a weekend.He was being a gentleman.
We would unlock ourselves to go to the bathroom. We used to go down to the block and buy gay porn and hit the gay stripclubs so "I" could see the guys dance. And then we would go next door to the regular strip clubs, so he could see the women dance. I think the reality hit me when, we were in a gay strip club one night, and I caught him making out with one of the strippers. You want to talk about a scene. I showed my ass in there. Ok, who knew that I was a fruit fly? It seems that everyone except me. Until this day, everyone, my family included refers to Justin as "my sister Justin". Well Justin & I are still friends (at least this week, you know how queens are). We still hang out. He's not only my drinking buddy, he's also my brother-in-law. That's right Kiddies, my asshole ex-husband is Jason Martinez, Justin's brother. Drama, I tell you. And you thought that this would be about my day off. Well I gotta go. I've tivo'd Law & Order, so Marnie and I are going to watch it before we go to bed. Catch you later.
Laila

My Return to Hell

2005-03-22T00:00:00.000-05:00

Well It's Monday again.How the hell does the weekend go so damn fast? One minute it is 5pm Friday afternoon and I'm flying down the expressway,singing & dancing in my car,fullof glee. That's right I used the word Glee! Get over it. And now it's Monday AGAIN ! It is truly my return to hell. As with every Monday, I have to debate on whether I'm actually going to get out of bed.I have to coax myself from the bed,to the bathroom...etc.to the car. The hardest thing is to make it to the car.Once I have made it that far,I am almost guaranteed arrival at the pit of despair.Ofcourse barring no horrible accidents on the expressway.Which I should be so lucky. I believe that my cubicle is my penance for having had a good time in some past life or last weekend. Friday ,like almost everyday of the week, I pick up Marnie at the metro station nearest to our house.Godforbid that lazy heifer should drive any farther than the neighborhood liquor store.Living with Marnie is sometimes like a scene out of Driving Miss Daisy.
The last time I left the car with her (we share my car) was last month when I went to New York for the weekend.
She picked me up from the metro station,because she refused to drive downtown to the greyhound station. This actually was a blessing. She showed up drunk, I didn't notice when I first got into the car, but on the 5 minute drive home,she was bobbing and weaving all over the damn road. So now Miss Daisy is not allowed to drive any further than a two mile radius..ie the liquor store. Friday night was quiet, after stopping at the liquor store,Marnie and I sat home drinking beer and watching a Law & Order marathon.
Saturday Night I went hung out with some old friends,from the days when I bartended.
About 10 years ago, I took a job as a bartender at a very popular catering hall ( You know the one). One of the things I have found to be interesting is how well I have assimilated. And this night was no different. I was again the only black person in the room. Until David showed up 3 hours later,with his new blonde trophy girlfriend.
But as usual, everyone loved me, or so it appeared. Hell when I'm drinking. I love everyone. By the end of the evening ; we had put a healthy dent in the bar's liquor inventory. But now I had to contend with Hans the Horny Dutchman. Who looked like he wanted to do me right there at the table in front of his girlfriend Lisa. Or Tony who couldn't keep his hand off of my leg. His wife Nina sat at another table, that heifer has always been anti-social. Actually she said more to me on this night than she has in the almost 10 years that I have known her. Everyone said that it was because she was drinking. Aha !. So it is alcohol that gives her a personality. We shall see, she said that she is going to New York this year with us for the bartenders convention. We look at the time it is almost Tuesday. One more day closer to Friday. Yeah!!!

I Did It, I Did It

2005-03-19T19:51:00.000-05:00

Welcome Aboard,
Thanks for dropping in is the first post on my very own blog. I really don't know where to begin. First of all I must say a big Thank you to my dealing Red. I've been rather addicted to her blog REDSAID. So I figured that if she could do this than so can I. I am inviting you into the madness that is my so called life.Maybe one day I'll even write a book about it. And be apart of Oprah's book club.Please forgive me now. I am not a writer.
But it sounds good in theory. Most of what you will be reading and commenting on are random rantings of a mad woman. Those of you that know me or think you do;may be asked to suspend your belief in reality. You see reality used to be a friend of mine,and I have since kicked him to the curb. Oh but like a bad penny he does keep showing up. This continuing drama is the truth as I know it. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

Now Ladies & Gentleman, this is the part of the program where we get to know our hostess.

Who:Laila Ono (That's my stage name. Why Laila Ono ? If I were an international spy,that would be a cool name. Layla by Eric Clapton is one of the greatest songs ever. The way he screams "Layla you got me on my knees,Layla begging darling please,Layla. Hello, is that control or what ? Also I happen to know girls named Brandy & Roxanne, and they have told me that people constantly break into song and sing their names. I think it's cool ,but It does eventually get old. Except when Clapton sings it. Ono because I like it . Enough said.

Where: Baltimore MD, USA. Native Balitmoron born & bred.

Ethnicity: Black. I prefer it over African American. Which I kind pretentious. Except when I'm trying to be proper.

Religion: I have none. Since Catholic Priests started acting like they were above the law.

Martial Status: Divorced. I am no longer committed to the institution of marriage.My ex is a big ASSHOLE !!! And you will hear all about him.

Living arrangement: I live with my twiced divorced sister Marnie. And our dog Coco.
Can say Patty & Selma.? Instead of McGuyver it's Law & Order around here.

Occupation. By day I am an Account Rep for an insurance company. I Fucking Hate this job.
But part time I am a Bookstore Diva for the Megabook at the Inner Harbor. Can you guess which one?

Hobbies: I am a pot head( a big smile has come across my face. It is bittersweet because It is currently 4:20 pm as I write this, but I have taken a hiatus from the smoke. Because I am currently looking for a new job. And I need to be able to pass a drug test if needed. Oh But One day very soon, I will return to celebrating the 420. Mark my words.

Other Notables: I am a fat girl. With that being said. You will hear me whine about my new diet or not. Depending on if I start my diet tomorrow as planned. I always like to start a new diet on Sunday. Yes, Yes I know what your thinking,it's not suppose to be a diet ,but a lifestyle change. Whatever. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Well I think that good for now. I don't want to overwhelm you on our first meeting. I can't wait to hear from you.
Thanks for stopping by.

Laila